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my life 6 months later....   
07:03pm 10/03/2003
 
mood: ecstatic
well almost 7 months and I've been at Mills. And 7 months ago I met a girl. I avoid writing in this thing like the plague, because it seems to me that everyone has an opinion on everything htat I do. When Elyse and I were engaged, if you call it that, everyone seemed ot think we were to young, which we were. And the thing is is a year later, and I'm engaged again. And this is no bullshit HS thing. This is a diamond ring and a forever. And I know that people will read this and say "megan isn't capable of doing htat" and to those people I say fine. For a long time LJ was my support network, but now it is just another reminder of my past. So to anyone who cares here is the story: Her name is Dawn, Nikki and Cat have met her, MAndi has met her, Bandi has met her, Elyse and CHase have met her. She is beautiful, and I am convinced she was Marilyn Monroe in a past life. She was my RA, and the first day I got to Mills I met her, and started to seduce her. It took me a month, and then one night it jsut happened, and she hasn't been able to get rid of me since. She fuffills me in all the ways I need to be fufilled, and even Isabelle likes her. She is a true extension of my being, and my honest to god soulmate. We will be married sometime in fall of 2004 or the very beginning of 2005. I have known since the sirst second we kissed htat she was my one. And I know I may have said that before, and maybe I meant it then, but all I know now is I am 18, and I feel old, even though I know I am not, and she's 22 and she is still young. But we/us/this feels right and so we are going to do it. She has put up with my stupid bullshit flirting, shock suprise I've been faithful. And I have dealt with a fair shair of things from her. But everyday we wrok to make this thing work, and every day we love eachother more. And to me that is all that matters. To all you naysayers knock your shit out. and if anyone feels like congratulating me, do so. I just figured I'd announce it in here, before you heard it somewhere else. I am engaged, and I am in love, and I bid you goodbye...
 
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my birthday   
01:47pm 08/10/2002
 
mood: accomplished
I'll be 18 soon, meaning all points on my criminal record will soon be expunged, now that is exciting. The Frat Boys are throwing me a FAT party, its to bad kiddo won't be here for it, but she'll be up the following weekend. So I finally have a girlfriend...and wow...all I have to say is wow. We took time and got to know eachother, because we were both convinced it would never go anywhere, and now look at us..her name..lets call her Boo...It's so amazing to meet someone that you can not only have a physical attraction to, but also a spiritual, intellectual and emotional attraction. So yeah I am really happy. I tore the AC Joint in my shoulder so I can't play soccer, but I am still enjoying my college experience..Mills is a great place..I am really glad that I am going here, and htat my bubba will be here soon..happy b-day nikki...I know its on the 30th..but still..i miss you all
 
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life at Mills   
02:32am 11/09/2002
 
mood: drunk
so I'm here been here for a month. Its funny there are 70 million beautiful women. And at this point in time all I can think about is Elyse and were we were at a year ago. Funny shit. So in love, I miss her sometimes. I met this awesome girl Cheyenne, she plays soccer with me, and is superblyh intelegent. were not together, jsut getting to know eachtother, she's almost as cocky as me..SOOO HOT...felicia and natasha..congrats kids, thats fab...I miss everyone down there..I'll be down this weekend playing a tournement. Friday @ 2pm...I'll be at Pomona-Pitzer playing and on Sat at 11am @ Occidental..if anyone cna make it come..see meg-meg and I'll be at d-land on sunday..ok I gotta get sleep.
 
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I leave tomorrow at 8 am   
05:17pm 17/08/2002
 
mood: anxious
2/28/02
1:55 pm

Barbara Moore St. Amant

the women who has meant more to me than my own mother just left me..for North Carolina, to begin a new life with the one she chose to spend the rest of her life with..why couldn't she stay with me..why couldn't she take me with her??? Why am I left here alone..like I always am..without anyone to hold me..without anyone to call my own..Elaine doesn't know of the love I felt for B..she can't fathom it..its to soon to let it all out…Becky new..becky…elyse could fathom it..elyse…both names are so bitter on my tongue…

the words, slide off of my tongue
soon..goodbye..soon
like arsenic..they taste bitter
rotten almonds
soon is never soon..
and goodbye is always that..
to many goodbyes have been said..
all with the same promise of
soon
the soon never happens
and forever is never that
its just another shallow promise
like the ones of love
undying
unwavering
those too fade from memory
left only with these feelings
of abandonment
alone
bitter..
arsenic..

so I'll sit alone
with this bitter taste in my mouth
with nothing to chase it down
nothing to rid it
not even her love can help
her love has and always will be
unfaltering
undying
unwavering
or will it too fade

the words of a jaded cynic..having done this way too many times to count..at this point in time it doesn’t really matter..nothing fuckign matters…life has no meaning..love has no meaning…

to live without love is not giving love a chance

how do I know that this won't be love..
how do I know that this isn't the one
how do I know that Elyse was the one

I can finally say the phrase..I'm over you…
but do I mean it
or is it as shallow as all those other empty promises
of forever

mood: bitchy
music: ben harper- waiting on an angel



I leave tomorrow at 8 am, and I am excited, anxious, scared nervous..Unknowing what will happen..hoping that all will be ok...I wrote those words around my 30 days...I have 6 months today...If you want my contact info up there any of you..my email is sk8tergirlz@hotmail.com email me your name and stuff and we can hook up if you swing oakland way..I'll try to keep posting in this when I'm up there, but the first few weeks will be hella hard

I'm gonna miss Nikki telling me to treat girls right
singing gansta rap to Cat
butt rapign Daniel
holdign baby Angelina
mr. Miles attackign me
my mom's laugh
Tiyi's touch
my dad's music
my brother's smell
my dogs
my big queen sized bed
Kiddo

Tonight is my last night
then Kid and I leave
she comes back in 10 days
I come back October 18th

yippee-skippee
 
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03:22pm 02/08/2002
 
mood: annoyed
so i fucked up and I fucked someone else. Then I told her, and now she hates me. Wow, been here before. And people ask me why I fall in love, and now i question if I ever was.
Her words still ringing in my ears
a nightmare I can't shake
cold sweats
freeze frames
how unusual she was right
you were right
I was right
so why do we still fight
I said this would happen
you can quote me on it
and its not the last time
 
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the kind of girl that lagush and says get up off your knees   
12:56am 01/08/2002
 
mood: nauseated
I was hanging out w/ Kiddo and the song lyric came on that said "I'm all...you want.." nad I stated I wanted a girl to say that to me..and then i realized I had it and its kinda depressing. Made out with 3 girls tonight..scratch a notch on the Megan bedpost...blah whatev..the irony is..I only want the girls that don't want me...Like Erin..oh GOD...she is so amazing, and I have such a bomb time w/ her, and her whole attitude toward me is so Jackie/Jen esc..and grrr..I want it...she plays into the whoe skater, chill, beach, sunset, coffee Megan ego. The there's Ty...HOT, nubian princess, plays into the whole GQ, clubbin, metini's, nice cars, luxury megan. Told me tonight that if I wasn't movign she would make me break every rule. Friday would no longer be boys night, it would be Ty's night, my cell would be OFF when I was with her, and my being into a girl for a month and then gettign over it would be gone, she'd make it a year. SHE WANTS ME...but her words and her action sare so inconsistent, Erin's a pretty straight forward, that she is blaze to the whole situation. Free love sucks my left tit.. So I am sick, and Kiddo says that I should jsut go to bed, but Erin and Leah are supposed ot call me, and come over, but I should go to sleep. Its such a blessing that I got sick when I did though. Because the whole juggling two women tonight. Ty then Erin. I left w/ Ty to get food, and I started feeling sick, adn when i came back to the Library, Kiddo was sittign their w/ Erin, so I jsut hugged Ty, cuz I felt shitty..cuz Erin most likely wouldn't have cared, but Ty wpoulda been hella jealous. I wnated to play Erin the song, Tegan and Sara: Tell Me...oh..damn..my song to her is Mario: Just a friend..next tiem she calls I'm sending her straight to Voice Mail, because I put it on there for her...ok I'm gonna brush my teeth and go to bed..I still feel hella sick..fuck pimping ho's when I'm sick. I want Candace here, cuz no matter what she'd take care of me...I need that..god 3 women..so torn...blah
 
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i'm begging to wonder   
12:23am 20/07/2002
 
mood: depressed
if I died would anyone miss me, or has everyone already forgotten me? Have I slowly become replaced, my number written on a bar napkin, lost in the backseat rubbage of that thing you call a car. There's a certain kind of lonliness that has started to consume me. It's not a heartwrenching, life changing one. Instead a kind of still calm, like the sea right before a storm. An acceptance almost, that even by identifying as I do; a lesbian, I am stil differnet. That in proclaiming myself, I am proclaimign somethign that doesn't exist. I no longer can tell the differnece between my dreams, and my life. And one is beggining to think that this is all jsut some twisted state of being, this surrealistic time spent between life and death. Walking through life almost invisible to those who surround me. Yet conscious to those who need me. It's as if no one jsut chooses to associate themselves with me, all wnat somethign. Be it my money, my car, my attention, or my love. Taking a piece of silly putty and palcing it in the hands of several individuals. al slowly pulling towards themselves. Stretching it almsot to capacity. Breaking in some places, where it lies thinner than otheres. Eventually snapping into tiny pieces, sneding the holders reelign back into a reverse whiplash. With a new piece of putty they start again,s tretching. Yhis time with new individuals, until it breaks. And the cyle repeats itself over and over again, in this mundane expirment to see how far I can stretch. Each piece representing a different aspect of me; my compasson, my caring. All things I identify as; MEgan, Kevin, queer, artist. Waht suprises most, but not myself, is upon the initial breaking, it jsut shatters. There is no center, no marshmellowy goodness, jsut air. As if all of my innards where never there to begin with and I am jsut composed of nicotine, caffiene, water and air. To be dead on an opreating table, or for that matter, in any situation, One's pysche is permanently tweaked. Scientifically spekaing this is caused by the chemicals in your body slowly coming to a rest. Then suddenly jolted back to life. Causing estrogen, testosterone all the components of a person to begin a birth cycle anew. SO dead at 17, yet reborn on thinks and acts like a newborn. Desperate to attach, to someone, something. Yet in death, then quick reborth, one learns to avoid the same mistakes made in the past life. Because by all practical logic, the brain is the last to die. Slowly blood flow ceases, yet there is that last thought. To find and record that last though is my quest. I died once, not by al practical standards. But in my mind, I did. Yet due to a drug induced state, I cannot remember that final thought. But I do remember this calm sense of being, much as I feel now. Detached and accepting, ready to embrace a new life. It has been 5 months and 3 days since my death and rebirth. At 5 months and infant is finally begging to see, feel, and percieve its surroundings. Eager to learn, yet not capable of the skills of communication. Still in my dreams that I'm not sure if I dreamed or lived, I continue to be reborn. In the program that has become my family, drinking is to start anew. Age is based on length of sobriety. So in these dreams that aren't dreams but they are, I die adn then am born anew. I lived for 17 years, 3 months, adn 29 days. Painfully aware since my birth, the first one, what christians or god fearing people would call the "real" one. My sense of seperatism form others, began.....
 
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as stolen from chaos_kate   
01:49pm 10/07/2002
 
mood: amused
How old were you when you had your first crush on a gurl?
I was 7, mandy gicanto, in 3rd grade. I think I might have had a crush on my friend Zoe, but i don't remember, I was younger than 7 with Zoe

How old were you when you came 'out of the closet'?
I came out to my mom when I was 15, my dad when I was 15 1/2, adn everyone else after i turned 16

How did your family take it?
my mom was fine w/ it, my dad was kinda in denial, my grandma thought it was a stage, my uncle told me my girlfriend was hot, and my brother asked me if I was gonna be one of those angry feminist dykes

When did you first kiss a gurl?
I think I kissed Zoe when I was like 5, but that I actually remember, I was 13

When did you first have sex with a gurl?
I was 14, New Year's Eve, my freshman year, to my girlfriend Rebeca Ruth Angel

Have you ever kissed a guy?
Bad time in my life alot of confusion thought I was straight

Have you ever had sex with a guy?
on 3 seperate ocassions w/ 3 seperate guys, all of whom were black, and well endowed, and if thats not enough to make someone gay I duno what is..bad time in my life lotta confusion thought i was straight

Did you ever consider yourself Bisexual?
No, I knew I loved women, I fucked guys to confuse the hell out of my parents. I told people I was bi to kinda ease them into the whole my names Megan, I'm queer idea

When did you go to your first Pride Fest?
When I was 16 I went to LB Pride with my mom's best friend, her partner, and her partner's nephew...I met Jen-Jen and become introduced to the circle

Do you have a gay bar/coffee shop where you like to hang out and meet womyn?
I go to the Library, not to meet women, but to pimp straight girls, umm Kiddo's house is a happening queer hot spot, go to alot of queer parties and meet chicks

Are you a part of the Leather scene?
My girlfriend seems to think I like S&M, but frankly the whole handcuffs thing is about as kinky as I get

What are some of your fetishes?
Straight girls, straight girls in thongs, oh and my abs, that's not a fetish, just a sure fire way to get a fool SPRUNG..oh wait I don't have a penis...

How do describe your style of dress?
at work GQ, off of work GQ, preppy, skater, abercrombie, straight baller status

Who did you go to prom with?
I went my sophmore year, with my boyfriend Ryan Holtz, umm didn't go to any other Proms at my school, transferred schools before Senior Prom

Have you ever attend a Queer Prom?
Yeah, on 4:20 of this past year, w/ Izzy, God & God's Ex Wife, Jesus & Cat

Are most of your friends male or female?
Umm, Kiddo is my only friend, no female, but we act like guys..I hang out w/ boys but not all the time, cuz they try to covnert me, like I can be converted

Are they mostly Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, Straight or Transgendered?
I tend to hang out w/ the Lesbian crew BOY BAND, but I still have my straight friends..I'd say its a 2.5:1 ratio, queer to straight

Do you mostly date lesbians or bisexual womyn?
Bisexual girls are nothing but trouble, like there is DRAMA with the lesbians, but bisexual grils it is DOUBLE, so lesbians..I dunno my girlfriends is a lesbian..I think...

Do you prefer committed relationship?
used to LOVE to PLAY, now I kinda like having the same person to cuddle w/ I have grown awful used to Candace's smell..
 
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cuz I come when I'm called and you called   
01:16am 08/07/2002
 
mood: lonely
I'm just gonna straight up kype gabbi's styale, cuz its 12:43am, my girlfriend is at a club, and I dunno..I can...

I got an email today from valerie..was my best friend forever, and then I went straigh tdyke status to use the term that i prefer most, and well we lsot touch, she had a major crush on me and I used it to my advantage..and I still feel like an asshole..I realized that I never finished my fourth step, because I slept with Jackie instead of working my program.. so here's my fourth step, my sexual inventory, I'm leaving out boys, cuz well I am a Lesbian..and how it all affects my life, my death and everything in between:

~ Mandy Gacinto was my first crush in 3rd grade. She had long brownish/blonde hair and these green eyes, and a tiny gap between her two front teeth. She was the girl in school that everyone had a crush on, and one of those girls that I was to shy to even talk to. And even now almost 10 years later I still see a beautiful brunette walking down the street and I pause, and check, and wonder if its that girl, the one that caused me to think the way I think now.
~ Shannon MacMillan was 16 and I was 13 and she was the only LESBIAN I knew, and so I seduced her and we just made out alot, and she wasn't cute. But she was gay, and I NEEDED to know if I was or not. And then one day she said my 13 year old self is in love with you, but not my 16 year old one, and I said "baby, what's love gotta do w/ a little manage?"
~ Rebecca Ruth Angel walked into my musical theater class one day, adn I decided then and there to make her mine. And she was beautiful in the way that Lauren (kiddo's) is beautiful. And I seduced her, to this day I don't know how, but we "were together" from the summer before my freshman year to april of my sophmore year. But we weren't "girlfriends" until august of the summer between 9th and 10th grade. Before that we called what we had a rong e long a tong i o nong song hong i pong- AKA relationship. And we had a clause that your could date boys because we/she wasn't sure what this all meant, and she started dating Jeff in February of my 10th grade year, and she fell in love w/ him, but was still in love with me, so I cheated on her with our best friend and we broke up. My first love. Our Song: Shania Twain- Still the one
~ Valerie Sabrina Clement Becky and I's BF for the entire course of our relationship and even after we broke up. The only girl she's ever wanted, and she wanted me for ever, and I used her and made her buy me shit, and when I was bored we'd hook up. And one day she realized I was using her, and she hasn't talked to me since.
~ Sarah Sheperd she was my brother's GF and I was 16 and she was 17 and she bought me a pack of lucky strikes and so I was in lust, and I seduced her and my brother almost killed me. We got stoned alot and drank alot of coffee, but she kissed like a straight girl, cuz she was one. She gave me this whole "I need to figure out who I am speech" so we broke up.
~ Jennifer Christine Hasner met at LB Pride 2001 dated for about a week, but according to Kiddo I scared her, so she dumped me. Introduced me to Isabelle, and inducted me into the circle. Then Isabelle went to France so I slept w/ Jen, thus causing a summer of drama. And I thought I was in love, but I wasn't..I was in love with the friendship, and the fact that she could read me.
~ Isabelle Charlotte Luebbers Jen's ex play thing, met her, she became my girlfriend to the Ben Fold's Five Song "Brick." Deemed me social butterfly. Was my girlfriend for like 3 weeks before she went to France for the summer and I was in LUST/LOVE but friend LOVE. And she left and I cheated, and she came back, and we would hook up randomly after ELyse and I broke up, after Tina's party. Tried dating again, but I wanted somehting different. Now one of my dearest friends. Our Song: Ani- Falling is Like This
~ Elyse Marie Roberts talked on the phone for 10 days before she moved down from Seattle for college. And she was/is beautiful. Were together for 3 months, broke up because I cheated mainly. Was one of the msot beautiful relationships I was in, and I really wish I could have hit pause repeat on my CD player and made those first 2 months last forever. Fell in love hard and fast. Was convinced we would spend the rest of our lives together, was convinced she was my "one". And then a hot blonde walked by. I really don't even know why I cheated on her, but I did. Broke up but were gonna try it when she got home from Christmas break, Bad Idea, resulted in late night phone calls of me crying and wanting to kill myself, because I didn't want to live without my heart. My fist went through a wall several times. And I was convinced I would never find anyone as wonderful/perfect as she was. And I won't ever find any one as wonderful and perfect as she was NOT for me. We were opposites, but we tried, and I learned. And now I can honestly say a) I am over her, but (b) I would do anything for her. She did it with grace and dignity, plus backwards and in heels. And to quote a phrase "our loving is straight thugging." Our Song: J Lo ft. Ja Rule- I'm Real
~ Megan Glynn blonde, tall, coffee girl. I thought she was hella cute, and so we hooked up. BAD IDEA, a contributing factor to me and Elyse's break up and she denies it ever happening. First girl I ever kissed w/ a tongue ring. Rejected me because a) I was 17 and (b) she was still in love w/ her ex
~ Mandi/Jett Crackerdoo's sister. Fabulous, funny sang rap to me. Lived in LA, I drove up to see her. Started off as a fuck buddy, but one time I looked at her, and I couldn't deny I liked her, was my GF up until Valentine's day when I blew her off for Elyse. After we broke up, became kinda a Lesbian mentor. Of absolute importance to me. And I hope we can reckindle our friendship when I move up to Oakland.
~ Jackie my ex sponsor. Straight girl, thought I was cute, we hooked up/dated. Slept together c. 3 times. Confused the fuck out of me because she was jsut like Jen wanting me one day and then not the next. She was at the river and I met Candace. So then I went through this whoel confusion between Candace and Jackie. One night Jackie spent the night and she just rolled over and didn't cuddle. I called Candace the next day when Jackie was in the shower adn asked her if she would cuddle w/ me all night long. She said yes. The last time I fucked Jackie I couldn't even see her face, and I felt used, and realized that the only place she has clarity in her life is in her sobriety.
~ Candace Elizabeth Dees this chapter is just beggining. Met her at LB Pride. Likes the fact that I'm sober, shy yet cocky, and I dunno. I have really only loved 3 people and she is number 4. 22, has her life together. And she understands me, respects me, and isn't some prodigal son, celebrity look alike, jsut a wonderful human being who likes to drink coffee not beer and smoek cigarettes not pot. And have conversations about nuclear weapons. And she holds me.. Our Song: Tegan and Sara- All You Want

so those are all the girls that have been either GF, that I've dated, or have had an impact. And an hour later I am now hella tired, and feel like and asshole fo rfuckign up shit with so many people. So here is Megan's player list, there are more, but these one's I actually cared/care about, well kinda. I dunno they are all influential in making me the cocky lesbo I am today
 
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life, love and shit   
12:09pm 05/07/2002
 
mood: cheerful
it's hard to find time, in a schedule such as mine to sit down and type about all the events that go on in my life. I used to be so adamant about updating this thing, because I felt it somehow added to my prowess as a writer. But I came to the relizatoin that writing trivial shit such as joey loves jimmy and all that isn't really shaping me as an artist. I could use this just to post my poetry, and jsut avoid all the drama. Orange county's lesbian community is one big circle, and we all know everyone. Me, I am the "player" you say megan, meg-meg, you think the player. LJ has become jsut another way to connect the circle. We all have eachother on our buddy lists and in someways it is good, because that way if you disappear for a while and then come back into the circle you still are currnet on events. But then again who really cares, all the community down here seems to consist of is Ozz, Parties and Alchohol. Now I love alchohol and I love parties, I've never been to Ozz, but is that enough for my life to revolve around? Other LJ OC Lesbians have come to the same conclusion I have, and stopped updatign every for hours, like I used to. I'm not gonna go and cancel my journal becasue I know when I leave August 19th, that I will wanna keep updated on the events in the OC kids lives. But then again I am really kinda hesitant to keep it, because some people don't want other people reading an entry and lord knows how many fights me and elyse got in over shit I wrote in here, so my feelings towards LJ are amibigious as are y feelings towards alot of things. My life is goign fabulous I have a steady job I work 35 hours a week, make bank and get to wear a dress shirt and tie everyday. I have a girlfriend that understands me, supports me, and loves all of me. My parents are getting to the point were they not only trust me, but they are starting to let their little girl go. I have a bank account and a swipey swipey toy. Money to pay for all the shit I want. My tongue is peirced my back now has all the KOnji symbols on it I wanted. And I have been sober for almost 5 months. Elyse was correct in her saying that the next person I fell in love w/ I would love more than her, I hate to say it because of how deep our relationship was, but it is true. And I will meet a person that I cannot fathom cheating on, and I believe I have met that person. Well I can fathom it because I am a flirt, but I won't do it. So there...my life is good...and I didn't die, get pregnant, go straight, get AIDS, or join the army. I have just found things that are more important than LJ...so sorry
 
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gradumication..I gots me an edimucation   
12:50pm 14/06/2002
 
mood: chipper
I graduated today..those things are so boring..and I am leaving in like 10 minutes to go see ms. princeton graduate..blah..its hot and she came to mind so yeah...on a lighter note.....
drumroll please...
megan's got a girlfriend..liek we've been dating for a month and a half and we finally committed..I mean it aint all peachy keen, cuz me in relationships never is..I am to jealous/posessive/flirty..whatever but so far (all 2 days) its been fabulous..I got this LJ comment from SOMEONE (*cough*) and they said "I Love You" its so weird to see that phrase from that person, for a moment I was confused. But I took it at waht it is face value, and to the person who said it..thank you..it means alot...and on the subject of love..I have spent the last year becoming the best of friends w/ kiddo..but we have never REALLY said "i love you"..its like luv ya bye...today I said pebeke..and she said it back..and that meant the world...so thank you to all those who love me...and thanks to those who let me know..because sometimes thats all you need to hear...I love you guys..I really honestly do..

in the immortal words of montell jordan.."this is for you, and you, ooh and DEFINETLTY you..."
 
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somehow..   
01:55pm 12/06/2002
 
mood: crappy
somehow I got the wrong impression
somewhere alogn the way I assumed
that the feeligns I felt
were not I but we
and the songs I dedicated
were dedicated back
and sometime not to long ago
I was bereft
of ANY feelings
of any ideas
of any voice
yet now I brim
with songs
and ideas
and love
and depth
but somehow
I was misguided
somehow
i was led on
maybe someday I'll learn
that trust is not to be given but earned
sometime
I'll call you
but not today
because there isn't a "u" in relationship
and there is no "i" in we
 
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ahhh..still good...   
10:52pm 11/06/2002
 
mood: grateful
so finally..fuckign finally..I graduate on friday..and I am gettign the best graduation present...Candace..she is driving 7 hours by her self to come and see me..and I am jsut like YAY!!!!!! God..I got a promotion, been at my new job for seriously 3 weeks and I got a promotion..which is fab meaning I work 31-36 hours a week adn make 8 bucks and hour plus comission..and yeah..meanign cash for college is in my grasp..but a major fuckign drawback beign I dunno if I can go to SF pride..like I todl them I needed sunday off..and oh lordy lordy..but I get it off..I think If I tell mike hey..my best friends brother is gettign married in SF on the 29th and 30th and I need to go..plus july 12 and 13..so yeah..hopefullY i can get thsoe days off..or if I could jsut swich to the AM shift...anyhoo
can I tell you about Candace..like OH MY GOD..she is fuckign fabulous..Im jsut wow..yeah...want her..mm..she is jsut liek what i need in my life right now, and i am so stoked..because I just like her so much..and I thank elyse everyday for teachign me how to do this whoel feelign thing..It was fab..and I go to mills August 19th..set in stone I get there on the 19th..I arrive 2 dasy early cuz all the soccer girls and volleyball players come up before everyone else because we get priority w/ classes and shit..and I go on a tirp in October for soccer and I'll be 18 and I habe 4 months sobriety on saturday..2 more months and I leave here..AHHH!!!!!!!!....
to all those who call bunches and i never call back..I'm so sorry..I've been so fuckign stressed w/ school..but shit as soona s summer comes its on..so starting JUNE14th we play..and nikki adn cat..I miss you guys school has been top proirity, but now its over and we can have another fab summer, w/ less drama...my life is where I want it to be, and I am grateful..someone remind me to call my sponsor
 
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candace..   
04:21pm 03/06/2002
 
mood: giddy
I am grateful..to not be w/ elyse...that seems like such a fucked up thign to say, because you all know how deep the love was..but because I have found that person..like the girl to go to the river w/ and who loves empire records..and tegan and sara...and cuddling and talkign about the declien fo western society based upon our depenndence on HMO's, ER's and western medicine...a girl who I have these amazing feelings for...and thnaks to elyse i know how to feel them...but candace..geez..she's wonderful...and geez she's super duper...I was datign jackie..notice the past tense...I relaized what I realized when I was w/ mandi..realationships w/o the possibilty of love shouldn't happen..so thats over...and now I'm single in my body..but my brain belongs to her...the whole poem: give me a moment to catch my breath, for I have lost myself in you...member elyse?? yeah its the epitome of that...she has yet to not amaze me...I picked up my HS yearbook from ELMO today and I was looking through the senior pages..so many pictures of me as a little scrub..and then big as day..me and kel..last day junior year...and It made me cry..knowing she's leavign me for princeton..but it also made me happy because I look at myself then and I look at myself a whole year later..and I love who I am..I look in the mirror and love myself...and I can say : I am beautiful, I am special, I am someone and this time no one is telling it to me...and I am happy and my breath is light and I've got wings...fred astaire...barkley's of broadway style
 
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02:00pm 02/06/2002
 
mood: awake

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?


i am



what
microsoft OS are you?


i am



what sexual performer are you?





I'm erotic Madonna, who are you? Madonna Quiz by Turi.

You are ... Jessica Lovejoy
You are ... Jessica Lovejoy from the Simpsons Quiz at Space Monkey Mafia dot com
Take the Simpsons Quiz @ Space Monkey Mafia dot com





been so fucking busy my spleen hurts and it oozes puss nightly..sex everyday...late night phone calls..carrot juice sounds good right now..sober for like 100+ days..quitting smoking..its all about carrot juice, working out, sex and sunflower seeds
 
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09:19pm 21/05/2002
 
mood: bitchy
haven't updated in a while...no burning desire to really..and I dunno been hella busy...pride was awesome..got like 6 numbers..and met candace..candace..god she's amazing like libra, soccer player, lib. arts major, world traveled, good taste in music, good kisser..lives in sacrmento..drawback..yeah..I dunno like she's awesome and we talked on the phoen last night for a while..that was fun...it was god to see kimmy and meet faith, and kick it w/ my kiddo, crackerdoo and cat..hopefully we'l all go to SF pride..that'd be off the heezy fo sheezy..jackie hasn't called yet..I dunno..I'm pretty much over it..like i like her..but I'm not about to make the effort cuz I really don't need to chase her...I'm happy and I'm not gonna go stress myself out over some cute girl..when i got one..oh and all of a sudden all these girls from PO keep emailing me..what is up w/ that..oakland soon..I need anews ponsor..and no one answered my whats yor favorite cuss word survey..
 
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dead old guys   
04:59pm 17/05/2002
 
mood: bored

Which Real World cast member are you?



Which Piercing are you?



Which era in time are you?



Which Season are you?






Ooo! The potty mouth, callous, rude with a tendency to swear quite a lot...hmm...though your intentions may be good, the results aren't always what you thought they would be... you also tend to be a tad immature.

Which finger are you?
Take the quiz to find out.


this guy across the stret from me died..and they were havign an estate sale..I went over there to check it out..it turns out he went to princeton and harvard business was a photographer durign the 60's, a concert pianist..and an ex-marine..and this guy lived across the street from me for the last 4 years..so I bought a Princeton ashtray for Kelly's dad..and a marine corps lighter for me..he seems as if he would have been sych a cool guy..wehn I am old..I am nto gonna whole up in my room and not talk to anyone..I want people to know me..I think its funny how when I open doors for older people or help them w/ something..they tell me I am a credit to my generation..please..I am doing what I always do..silly aint it..today is blah..I got 90 days..and my ears turned bright red cuz all the little 16 yr. old hotties form chapman house go "yay megan" and run up and give me a kiss on the cheek..so I turn bright red..speaking of ladies..I seem to have skill like yo shorty what up..but the moment I get alone w/ someone all I can do is go..duh...it wasn't that way when I wasn't sober..I had liquid courage...now I must rely on me..blah
 
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been a long time..I shouldn't left you..w/o a dope beat to step to   
10:10pm 16/05/2002
 
mood: drained
my life is so fuckign hectic I can't even think right now..I am takign the initiative and getting all the bullshit for school done, so I can graduate on time..my sobriety is goign well...two massive announcments:
1) I have 90 days tomorrow

2) I am dating my ex sponsor...

I could sworn she was straight...

Survey time!

what is your favorite cuss word?

a) fuck
b) shit
c) dick
d) bitch
e) ass
f) hell
g) damn
h) a crude version of some body part
i) none of the above..


its for kiddo and I's boredom
 
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10:51pm 12/05/2002
 
mood: drained




Test, test?


How Gay Are YOU?
[?]



Which Kiss are You?

Which Kiss Are You?





You are Angelina
Jolie
!

You acted in cool movies like:

Tomb Raider, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Girl Interrupted

and Hackers.


Take the "Which Hollywood Princess are you?"
quiz @ planetag.de




All ducks aren't sweet and innocent and you prove that. You have a nasty streak.

Find your inner rubber ducky.




the wound is sutured up
the doctor took care of it nicely
some neosporin and plenty of fluids
and you'll be back on your feet in no time
thank you
today was great
 
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Is it enough to love, is it enough to breathe??   
01:34pm 08/05/2002
 
mood: cynical
soembody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed..kinda sums up my mood sometimes

I got a kitten..his name is miles after mr. miles davis my all time fav jazz musician...kiddo got one too, I dunno what she named hers...

we speak in terms of events
past
present
future
we speak in the third
them
her
he
I speak in terms of my mind
anger
hurt
love
I speak in the first
megan
kevin
brandon
you feel in terms of your heart
anger
hurt
break
I feel in terms of my head
logical
illogical
confusion
we see in shades
gray
white
pale
you see in rainbow
red
orange
yellow
unity, freedom
I see in monotone
black
white
gray
I like me
I like the way I see
feel
speak
hear
think
the desire has been sucked out
I too once saw rainbows
I once listened to your heart
not mine but yours
I prefer my way
I prefer me
 
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